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Hello Spark reader,

Close friend of Vivace and ex-colleague Daniel Callaghan has just returned from paternity leave and has some reflections on balancing fatherhood with two young children and a full-time job.

Hopefully, this resonates with many of the parents out there in the Vivace community! We’d love to hear whether you agree with Dan and your own thoughts on navigating gender norms and stereotypes at work, particularly when it comes to parenting expectations, via LinkedIn or email.

Enjoy,

—joel

‘Fathers are let off the hook’

I’m very fortunate to have just had 7-8 weeks off to welcome my second son, Ralph, into the world. This was a combination of paid paternity leave and annual leave, as well as bank holidays. I was mindful of taking as much time off as I was given by my company so I could spend quality time with my family.

It has been challenging. It's not just having a baby: it's going from one baby to two! My oldest is a toddler and he's in his terrible twos, as they say, so he's having his tantrums. Balancing which child takes priority if you're on your own with them and they both want your attention is incredibly hard. I won't sugarcoat the fact that there have been some really testing times since I’ve returned to work.

The double standard: everybody’s working

I am passionate about my job and I get to do good work with people I really get along with. In comparison, my wife has a harder job than me, taking care of two small children who are seeking her attention constantly as long as they're awake. I also have the benefit of physically going to work and then leaving it behind, whereas she doesn't have that. She's purely got the kids, so she doesn't have an outlet.

From the perspective of a father navigating this transition back to work after paternity leave for the second time, it feels like for women, you can't win. You're either a working mom who's not invested in their kids, or you're invested in your kids and you're not taking your career seriously. Whereas I think the dads, we are let off the hook.

We have to call out the double standard around women and how they're viewed as ‘working mums’ — you don't ever hear the phrase 'working dads'. Society, particularly older generations, still has that mentality of the woman should take care of the kids while the dad works.

Being fully transparent, I am in a very fortunate position that my wife doesn't need to go to work. Any amount of money that she would make by going to work would only cover childcare. So, in our situation, given my wife wants to be with our kids, it doesn't logistically make sense for her to go to work and send them to childcare, when she can do it herself.

Parental visibility at work is a choice